


Chemistry Flaw

by daeseol



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-12 23:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3359822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daeseol/pseuds/daeseol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Even the strongest of leaders needs someone to fall back on for support."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chemistry Flaw

Things change and Kyungsoo has long accepted its permanence. He usually is prepared but he dislikes it when he isn't and time catches him— _them_ —off guard. He dislikes it when circumstances shake the ground before they can hold onto something that will keep them from falling. They have good foundations, he knows, but some are not as strong as the others.

Life is a roller-coaster ride. But Kyungsoo's never thought of getting too much of it in less than a year. They're down to ten members, losing two before the year even ends—a scenario they've least expected. It's a confusing moment, and a bit dangerous, when their emotions are at some point blurring their rationality. They have so much on their plate, so many work to do to actually find time to place a proper wall between the two.

Kyungsoo has seen the other members cry. He, too, have shedded tears but he more often than not cries only to himself, letting it flow in the shower when it's just him, or muffling it in his pillows before he sleeps. But if it's Junmyeon, when Junmyeon does it, it feels a lot heavier, almost different. The tight clench of his chest, or the painful burn right below his heart is not new but they're worse. He doesn't like it.

 

"Everything is going to be fine," Kyungsoo tells Junmyeon one morning, finding their leader in solitary, staring at the television but with a blank face. He sits beside him.

"You trust too much," Junmyeon tells with a dry laugh. Kyungsoo hesitates for a few seconds but does it anyway, reaching for Junmyeon's hand, holding it until their fingers intertwine. His palms are warm against the cold ones Junmyeon always has. When he tightens his hold, Junmyeon looks at him. His eyes are still the same: heavy, a little swollen, glistening but in a way totally different from before. It breaks Kyungsoo and their tears roll down their faces in silence. He cries with somebody else for the first time.

 

Their too busy schedules are a distraction and Kyungsoo somehow thinks it's some sort of help, although not totally. They have moved on, probably, unconsciously crossing the topic off discussion as they exhaust in rehearsals and overseas activities, but it doesn't simply end there.

Kyungsoo always looks at Junmyeon. Not in a creepy way. He simply observes. He doesn't also say what he thinks out loud, just watching from behind and remaining silent until he finds the perfect time to speak up. It hasn't come yet so it remains unsaid.

Junmyeon has spent so many times with the other members since the day Yifan left, a lot more when Luhan followed. Kyungsoo has noticed it, when the hours Junmyeon would use to sleep or rest or spend solely with Kyungsoo back then is spent on accompanying members during leisure hours. He's stayed with Yixing and Chanyeol for a couple of nights, listening to how they experiment on self-composed songs and learning more about their music preferences. He's gone quite a lot out with Zitao, too, although most of it are basically getting dragged out by the maknaes. They even spend many time talking to each other. Not that he minds. If it's Junmyeon years ago, he would. But not anymore, at least until now.

The group meeting where they gather and talk about the day happens a lot more frequently. It isn't really bad, too, because everyone seems to appreciate it. They enjoy the reflection, pointing out what could be done better. It's no longer a bothersome pattern as they used to see it long ago. The nagging Junmyeon (and sometimes Kyungsoo or Jongdae) still happens but the leader is always quick to bring them back close with comforting words.

It carries on like a routine. Kyungsoo understands though. Junmyeon has made it clear, he doesn't blame himself. But he doesn't say he's not afraid. He knows that when circumstances change, people change. _It's inevitable_. And when people change, circumstances also change again. It's a constant cycle but it isn't always easy. Its future can be redirected and Junmyeon wishes that in his adjustments, they'll see a better one. A brighter one.

As it all happens before them, Kyungsoo worries. He's anxious about two things: first, that Junmyeon is trying too hard, pushing himself too much at the cost of...himself. Second, that as Junmyeon becomes a lot more selfless than he already is, Kyungsoo is slowly losing him. Not that he's gonna leave, but they're Kyungsoo _and_ Junmyeon. Otherwise, it's different. And with that, he is just as afraid as Junmyeon is.

Yet, on the other part of his heart, Kyungsoo feels proud. Although the other half of his worry can be quite selfish, he is happy that Junmyeon has adjusted for the good. He's seeing the fruits of his efforts, with the members a lot more tightly knit. He recognizes that their relationships aren't the sole reason why they've lost two: Yifan and Luhan have reasons and the rest that are left understand, all of them find justification. But at least now, a more bonded EXO is something they can treasure more, something to hold on when they reach a point of almost giving up. Because when they are on the verge of their cliffs, each of them knows there's somebody to pull them back and give them air to breathe. Well, it's something they have promised to the fans, and it's not a promise for promise' sake. They're going to be strong, if not stronger, and they are there. Almost.

 

It's early morning of a free weekend when Junmyeon catches Kyungsoo alone in the kitchen filled with the smell of kimchi and fried rice. The younger has always believed he is far from a good cook but Junmyeon always likes it when Kyungsoo's motherly instincts kick in and he sees him being domestic. Kyungsoo makes a funny surprised jerk when Junmyeon pulls a chair, its feet screeching noisily but not too loud against the floor.

"Good morning," Junmyeon greets with a slightly hoarse voice, smiling gently at Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo greets back with a soft smile before turning around to continue what he's doing. He has his back on Junmyeon but he knows the curl of the older's lips isn't going to leave any sooner.

"You seem quite happy?" Kyungsoo asks. He counts his stir on the noodle soup but loses it when he begins waiting for Junmyeon to answer.

"Nothing really. Just glad about last night's heart-to-heart talk with the kids," Junmyeon says, tapping on the table with his fingers, making a steady rhythm followed by a hum Kyungsoo recognizes as Into Your World. _The kids_. It's something both of them have always used when talking about Zitao or Sehun.

"What about them?" Kyungsoo asks, genuinely curious.

Junmyeon keeps his eyes on Kyungsoo as the latter moves the pot of noodles from the stove to the table, taking a seat next to Junmyeon. The leader's smile doesn't seem to leave his face. He takes his bowl and chopsticks first, fills it with noodles before answering. "Well, they started to tell me their secrets."

Kyungsoo senses how Junmyeon takes pride on it now. He knows Zitao and Sehun are quite close to him but sometimes Kyungsoo feels like they've always kept a wall from Junmyeon. With that, Junmyeon must be really glad that they've finally broken it, reveling on how they've finally reached a new comfortable level of friendship.

"I won't ask what those are because they're secrets," Kyungsoo says and remains silent as Junmyeon tells how he thinks it's a feat for him that the two, especially Zitao, has opened up to him more.

It's not really a sort of discrimination or prejudice but with two Chinese members leaving them, Junmyeon has thought of becoming more "protective", as how he's confessed to Kyungsoo before, of those who choose to stay. It's obviously a defensive mechanism but Kyungsoo isn't really against how he's translated fear to a desire to keep the remaining ten intact. He's done it in a really safe manner, hardly destructive for the band. But the growing dark lines on Junmyeon's face isn't sitting well with Kyungsoo. Maybe he can find a bit of reassurance in Junmyeon's apparent weight gain but there are things that still give the other a tinge of doubt. Besides, it's not always on the outside that should matter. Sometimes, the mess happens on the inside.

Junmyeon heaves a contented sigh when he finishes his breakfast, ending the meal with a warm cup of tea. He leans comfortably against the backrest of his chair. Kyungsoo, who's eaten a bit and is already done with his as well, extends his right arm and lays it on the table, hands open. He rests it there comfortably but it actually is waiting. He doesn't even look at Junmyeon; he simply sips on his own cup of tea, one arm stretched on the table between his bowl and Junmyeon's.

If it remains open, it's one fear proven.

It doesn't. Junmyeon snickers and pulls his left arm, takes Kyungsoo's hand until they're clasped on each other, fingers intertwined. It's a relief, a lot of it when Junmyeon's hand is no longer cold like it used to. But when Junmyeon tightens his hold, it isn't totally because he's missed the other. They're basically almost always together to miss each other. Kyungsoo tightens his hold as well, sealing their hands but not too much to hurt. And in this silence, a silence that is no longer foreign to both of them, he discerns Junmyeon's heart.

Kyungsoo may feel a little bad seeing Junmyeon keeping his smile, a bright one, to hide how he is, in fact, getting _tired_. Junmyeon doesn't say it. Or he tries to minimize a show of it. He tries to be strong when on the inside he's already weary. He does it, even if it's just him and Kyungsoo, and that makes the other feel quite sad, quite scared.

Junmyeon is happy that the members are becoming more open to him. But he refuses to be open to them, to Kyungsoo, whom he has always confided with his real emotions, at the very least. Yet, Kyungsoo doesn't want to force things out of Junmyeon's mouth. There is a perfect time for everything, he believes.

They hold hands and Junmyeon, little by little, eases the tension of his arms. He does it slowly and Kyungsoo is patient. His hand relaxes until the touch of their intertwined fingers feel more of a sweet connection, no longer a vent of uneasy emotions. Kyungsoo smiles. He's done his role.

"Is there something else you need to do today?" Kyungsoo asks, rubbing his thumb on the side of Junmyeon's hand.

Junmyeon smiles appreciatively at him. "Yes. But let's stay like this until they wake up."

Kyungsoo nods. If only they can stay like this forever.

 

1:32 AM when the doorbell finally rings. Kyungsoo, who's volunteered to stay up and wait for Junmyeon, is quick to open the door. He sees his seniors first, Donghae and Siwon, then Junmyeon in between them, arms flung over their shoulders. He's still awake, Kyungsoo knows, because Junmyeon is obviously trying to keep his head up but obviously is too drunk to do so. He reeks so much of alcohol, to Kyungsoo's surprise, and the look on his seniors' faces spell apology.

It is very rare for Kyungsoo to see Junmyeon drunk. They aren't new to parties and alcohol is a staple drink but they all know their respective tolerance levels. Junmyeon is of course aware of his limits. He doesn't even go beyond two bottles of soju.

"He just won't stop," Siwon tells Kyungsoo as they bring Junmyeon inside.

"I'm sorry," Kyungsoo mumbles. He isn't really sure why but it feels he should be. "Thank you for bringing him home," he continues with a respectful bow.

They lay him first on the sofa because his room has already the other members sleeping and Kyungsoo doesn't want to wake them up. He doesn't want them to see Junmyeon in such state either. Donghae and Siwon do not stay long though, bidding goodbye with another awkward exchange of apology. Kyungsoo assures them that it's fine. Well, not totally but he can handle the situation. He should.

Kyungsoo's hope is pretty much contradicting with what may be actually the reason why Junmyeon has gone beyond his limits. Yet he keeps holding onto it. Jumyeon is pretty much doing fine for the past days and Kyungsoo is getting a lot more relaxed than he was weeks ago. They've talked quite more often than before, and nothing has really changed with how he's handled the team.

"Hey," Kyungsoo whispers, crouching next to Junmyeon with a new shirt on his lap. Junmyeon just groans, almost dead drunk, and he doesn't say anything as Kyungsoo changes his shirt that smells too much of alcohol, smoke, and a bit of puke.

There won't be any sense talking to him right now and Kyungsoo is just focused on cleaning Junmyeon up and making him feel comfortable if he decides to doze off on the sofa (which will probably be the case). He leaves Junmyeon for a while to come back with a pillow, a futon, and a blanket. It's a struggle pulling him from one place to another when he's too heavy and bombed to cooperate but Kyungsoo manages to make a pretty comfy sleeping spot.

Junmyeon drops back to the futon-covered sofa with a slight whimper, closing his eyes as his head dips on the fluffy pillow. Since his body probably still feels warm with all the alcohol still flowing, Kyungsoo simply hands him the folded blanket. He supposes Junmyeon isn't too numb to not feel the cold when his body cools down later.

"Let's talk tomorrow," Kyungsoo whispers but he gets no answer. Junmyeon has his lips parted and eyes closed as he rests an arm on his forehead. Kyungsoo isn't really waiting for a response so it actually surprises him when he feels warm hands grab his wrist as soon as he stands up. Junmyeon pulls him back slowly, not too strong to hurt but enough to make him crouch again beside.

Suddenly, Junmyeon lowers the forearm from his brows to cover his eyes. He bites his lower lip and sniffs, trying to hold it in but fails seconds later. His shoulders shake, chest heaving and it happens. He sobs in his arm.

The fingers that wrap around Kyungsoo's wrist are tight and it stays there as Junmyeon cries. Kyungsoo pulls away, slowly, gently, and holds Junmyeon properly in the hand.

"Why?" Junmyeon chokes out. "Why is it so difficult?" He finally says although hardly clearly when his tears won't stop.

Kyungsoo sits on the floor and clasps both hands around Junmyeon's. "It's okay. I understand."

Junmyeon doesn't say anything else as he continues to cry and Kyungsoo remains silent. He doesn't really like seeing this and it pains him more than anything else. He sighs, long and heavy, because if he doesn't, he'll lose his hold of his tears, too.

"Do you want me to stay?" Kyungsoo asks a little later, still holding Junmyeon's hand. He hasn't stopped crying yet but he nods, hissing a "Please" between pursed lips.

 

Opportunities to talk about the incident become a little elusive for Kyungsoo and Junmyeon. Kyungsoo's individual schedule has become a lot busier with the release of Cart in Korea. Rehearsals for their Japan tours has also started and at the end of the day, they're already too exhausted to stay up.

But the stars are probably aligning in Kyungsoo's favor when Junmyeon tells them one day that everyone's given an off as a reward for doing a great job in rehearsals. So when Kyungsoo finds Junmyeon in the living area with nothing in particular to busy himself, Kyungsoo immediately asks if they can go out. He tries to be subtle with his initial intentions and does as he would normally ask Junmyeon out for an impulsive date.

"I found a place where they cook good pajeon," Kyungsoo says. Junmyeon actually laughs because of all food, Kyungsoo chooses pajeon. But to Kyungsoo's delight, Junmyeon still agrees. They haven't gone out for a while anyway, Junmyeon tells him.

And Kyungsoo does bring Junmyeon to the food stall. They manage to get there without people following them (they both believe so), thanks to the weather and their common dislike for the cold they cover themselves in many layers of clothes, a hoodie, and a face mask. The place isn't really too different from the ones they normally go to but it somehow has a lot of homey feel to it which they actually enjoy.

They talk. They crack jokes. They forget about the things they have to do later, or for tomorrow, or the days after it. The future has its own troubles; it will worry on its own, Kyungsoo has always told Junmyeon. He's glad his words are heeded.

As much as there's nothing really special about this, they still miss hanging out together. He likes how the creases on Junmyeon's eyes and the curl of his lips look a lot more carefree, a lot more fun. Junmyeon is indeed taking a day off his worries and it is a wonderful relief. With that, Kyungsoo grows hesitant to bring up a topic that would spoil the moment. He knows he may never get this again in a couple of weeks, or months at the worst and it'd be a waste if he's going to ruin it. He postpones the talk for later.

The sun is almost gone when they head back to the dorms. They get a warm cup of coffee first and take the longer route, Kyungsoo leading the way supposing it'll give the fans who have surprisingly caught them, although a few in number, a bit of confusion. Also, he has still the agenda.

"I have a question by the way," Kyungsoo finally begins right after Junmyeon has finished talking about the pranks Chanyeol has tried on Baekhyun the other day. Junmyeon shifts and hums a questioning tone.

"The other night. When you, well, were brought home drunk," Kyungsoo says and he can feel Junmyeon tense a bit. "Why?"

Junmyeon chuckles. "Are we really talking about this?"

Kyungsoo looks at him in the eye and Junmyeon knows that as much as Kyungsoo is uncertain about starting this conversation, there is his obvious longing for an answer. To begin with, Junmyeon isn't obligated to answer but Kyungsoo cares—he cares too much that Junmyeon can't say no. He keeps his lips pressed on the lid of his cup and sips on it. He's buying time so he can form the most appropriate answer.

Kyungsoo isn't looking at Junmyeon anymore. When he doesn't get an answer, he asks a different question. "Are you still afraid?"

"A bit," Junmyeon says.

"Are you tired?"

The follow up question is too quick and Junmyeon answers on instinct. "For the most part yes. But I guess it's a normal thing? Like you know, rehearsals—"

"No. Not that one," Kyungsoo cuts him off. He shakes his head but still keeps his eyes on the road. "I mean..."

"Ah," Junmyeon mumbles. He slightly bows his head so that he's also looking at the road. He bites his lower lip first before speaking— _whispering_. "Not really."

" _You're lying_."

Of course the abrupt response surprises Junmyeon. And for the first time in this conversation, Kyungsoo sounds firm. Junmyeon gives him wide eyes and Kyungsoo throws back a serious look with a raised brow. Junmyeon chuckles. "I'm amused at how you can read me so quickly."

Kyungsoo makes a hissing sound as he smiles to himself. "It's a newfound skill to be honest."

That marks the first part. They walk in silence as they sip on their coffee, as if both in deep contemplation of the conversation that has awkwardly halted. It's just a pause; it hasn't ended yet. Kyungsoo knows and Junmyeon feels. They never leave a topic without reaching a conclusion they both are willing to accept. They wait for a couple of minutes and the broken silence comes as expected.

"Junmyeon," Kyungsoo calls.

"Yes?"

"I have a request."

"What is it?" Junmyeon asks although he is unsure if he wants to hear it.

But Kyungsoo doesn't hold back. "Don't lie to me." He pauses for a second, as if gauging Junmyeon's reaction. When the latter doesn't show a change, he continues. "Don't hide things from me."

"I'm not hiding things from you," Junmyeon says defensively. He heaves a sigh and smiles awkwardly at Kyungsoo.

"You do," Kyungsoo retorts. There is no rise in his tone, and he is obviously taking this in a calm manner. He doesn't want a hightened argument. "By things I mean not about us. You're faithful and I know that. What I mean is...things. About yourself."

Junmyeon takes a sip of his coffee. His heart actually sinks a little at Kyungsoo's words because he knows Kyungsoo discerns his emotions really well. He's tired and Kyungsoo will know it even without him being outspoken about it.

"I'm sorry," is what Junmyeon first says. He doesn't look directly at Kyungsoo but he can see him nod from his side. "It's just...because you trust me. Too much."

He pauses. This time, it's Junmyeon who's gauging Kyungsoo's reaction. He isn't sure if the other's still blank face is a good thing or not yet he continues. "Not that it isn't bad, okay. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate it. But you trust me too much that I'm afraid..."

Kyungsoo wraps both his hands around his cup of coffee. Junmyeon's words might have hurt him but he always puts himself in the other's shoes. Trust, if seen from a different lens, can be pressure, he knows, and it saddens him. Junmyeon's afraid. Again. Or... maybe not. Maybe this is all what he's been afraid of.

"I'm afraid that you'll be disappointed at me," Junmyeon continues in a slightly lower tone. "Because if I disappoint you, I know I've already disappointed the rest of us as well."

Kyungsoo holds Junmyeon on his arm and pulls him when he doesn't turn the corner. "Well, if I may be frank—no, I'm gonna be frank. You've disappointed me a bit but for a different reason."

There is a pang, quite sharp, in Junmyeon's chest. "What reason?"

"Because you didn't trust me with your emotions."

"Okay."

"Listen," Kyungsoo says. From time to time he looks at Junmyeon in the eye, as if making sure Junmyeon is really listening. "As far as being a leader is concerned, please even just this time, trust me when I say I am so proud of you. You've been strong and you tried your best to be for us. I've always been proud of you, Junmyeon."

"Thanks," Junmyeon mumbles. All of a sudden, it feels light.

Kyungsoo gives him a warm smile and holds Junmyeon's hand, giving it a small squish before speaking. "Don't push yourself too much. If you can't handle a burden, share it with us. Share it with me, at the very least."

"You're being too kind again."

"Well, you're being too kind to all of us," Kyungsoo chuckles. "I suppose you deserve the same kindness in return."

Junmyeon scoffs and pouts. "You're not kind with words you know. At least Sehun and Tao sugarcoat."

"You agreed to this when we started dating."

"I actually like it," Junmyeon says and pinches Kyungsoo's cheek. He gets a slap on the hand.

"Feel better, okay?" Kyungsoo says, _requests_. "And trust me. Please."

Junmyeon nods, lips curled to a reassuring smile. "I'll trust you. More. I promise."

"Thank you," Kyungsoo says. "Also, just so you know. You smelled like cheese and beer and meatballs when you got drunk."

Junmyeon turns red and Kyungsoo laughs at him.

They reach the dorm with the rest of the members going mad over a tough racing game between Chanyeol and Jongin. It's a funny scene yet a precious moment.

Kyungsoo hopes for the better. Junmyeon promises. They're going to be strong, if not stronger, and they are there. Almost.

 

As expected, they are one of the many who own the year. They receive awards. They take trophies and make their fans, friends proud.

When Junmyeon tugs Kyungsoo's arm near the mic, or when he pushes him by the shoulder to speak, Kyungsoo knows it's good intention. He knows Junmyeon wants them to express, in less than thirty seconds at the very least, gratitude, happiness, true feelings. The other members give in to the request but Kyungsoo usually says no, sometimes a little too firm he thinks he's being disrespectful. Not that he doesn't want to, in all honesty. When he sees the disappointment in Junmyeon's eyes, it breaks him a little in fact. But Kyungsoo just thinks there's nothing else to say on a formal rigid stage. Besides, if he is to give a thank you speech, it'll be his heartfelt gratitude to Junmyeon, for Junmyeon. He'll say it anyway, not on stage because it'll be quite too indulgent. When it's just the two of them, perhaps.

 

Junmyeon once said Kyungsoo doesn't understand what is in his heart. Kyungsoo simply laughs it off. The truth is, he's always known Junmyeon's heart. He always sees it. And he will keep it strong.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Written for [electricdino](http://electricdino.livejournal.com/) on [capsandpizzas](http://capsandpizzas.livejournal.com/).  
> 2\. Canon isn't really my thing but I tried my best to properly interpret the prompt XD


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